Nov 19
2006
Uninhibited Inhibitions
Why is it that I can never seem to get past the polite pleasantries? I can carry a conversation to the point of utter familiarity but never beyond the point of making an acquaintance.
My mind always races past the present into the what could possibly happen. The problems. The strife. The inconvenient. And what interactions will come between the world I know exists now and the world that could possibly exist.
The effect this mind game I play with myself has on interactions with new people is awkward and frustrating. I have said this before and I will say it again:
The only uninhibited part of my personality is my inhibitions.
In a sea full of people I am all alone. I am lonely when associating with friends and family. I am alone and lost in a torrent of thoughts about what can and what could possibly happen.
Desire is the source of unhappiness and discontent. My only desire is to share a purpose in life with someone but I stop short of expressing that desire for fear of the unknown response. And a continued solitary existence is ensured. A self-perpetuated fear.
To the girl at the party: I am the one with the toque I knitted myself. In the off-chance you read this I will meet you sometime at The Neighbourhood.
And that is the end of my self-pitying post.
No Responses to “Uninhibited Inhibitions”
I can relate. I’m quite happy – and not at all lonely – when I’m alone. But I feel very lonely in crowds. Everybody else seems so connected to each other in a way I can’t connect with.